Mastering life's changes

Published: 25 July 2013

Most of us are averse to change - avoiding it at all costs, hoping it will eventually go away if we avoid it for long enough. But the truth, as we all know, is that change is inevitable. This week's newsletter confronts the challenge of navigating change effectively, and finds that this begins with a better understanding of emotions.

Mastering life's changes

Change is the only constant in life - a constant that is often beyond our control. What we can control, however, is how we react to change.

Our reaction to life's periodic surprises is what make each of us unique. Since the beginning of time, life has been a competition for resources - although those resources may now take different forms than they once did. This is the nature of the human condition. And yet, somehow, each of us thinks that the seemingly endless twists and turns that our lives take are extraordinary - unique features of our lives and no one else's.

But the truth is that no one leads a static existence. Time, as they say, waits for no man. We all have troubles and none of us has any choice but to carry on and cope with life's daily churn.

Change is trying because it invariably triggers emotions - both good and bad. And, as we make our way through life, our emotional responses to change tend to become ingrained in us - shaping us and automating our decisions much like ‘software' does for electronic devices. Unfortunately, the degree to which our responses to change become automated is in no way related to their efficacy (or healthiness) as coping mechanisms.

Our emotion-ware (if you will) sometimes needs to be upgraded. This is personal growth - how each change prepares us for the next. This may seem, but does not need to be, an overly daunting prospect. We can learn to master our emotions, allowing us, in turn, to become masters of life.

The secret is to realise that each of us is fully in control of our state of mind and that, with this knowledge, we can direct our own destiny.

History has taught us, time and again, that adversity is no match for sheer willpower. However, just as enthusiasm, spirit and passion can turn opportunities into triumphs, anger and frustration can close doors (although it should be noted that, sometimes, they need to be closed). Patience and wisdom go a long way to making our emotions work for us and not the other way around.

Once we start realising that our emotions and the actions they bring about can direct the course of events around us, we begin to grow more spiritually and emotionally intelligent. We begin to choose our actions, words and emotional responses more carefully.

Soon, we will stop running away from change and will begin engaging with it instead. Although our emotions may still be hard to manage, we can, in time, learn to recognise when they are preventing us from moving forward, and can restrain them before they do any serious damage. We may even find ourselves seeking out the unfamiliar as a means to spur on our personal growth.

One does not need much life experience to have observed how different reactions to similar situations can yield drastically different outcomes. At its most basic level, this is why a toddler need only ever burn her hand on the stove once.

When we rush into complex situations, our logic is easily overwhelmed by our emotions. At these times, we are not in control - the situation is controlling us. When, however, we approach complex situations calmly, keep an open mind and assert our thoughts at the right time, this power relationship is reversed and we are far more likely to be able to direct the outcome in our favour.

Some personalities naturally have better control over their emotions than others and so, often have the power to direct the outcomes of situations in their favour. We should study our interactions with these people and how they respond to our words, actions and emotions. We are likely to find that their emotion-ware, instead of ‘pre-programming' them to repeat the same mistakes over and over again, has entrenched habitual responses in them that have been found to yield favourable outcomes. These positive automated responses are the result of years of observing what works and what doesn't in social interactions. It is often referred to as ‘social intelligence'.

The first thing that such objective observation will reveal is the types of emotions that exist. Research shows that primitive emotions include, amongst others, surprise, sadness, happiness, joy, fear and anger. Even animals seem to experience these sorts of emotions, though on a more instinctive level. Some more advanced emotions include attraction, repulsion, disgust, contempt and pride. Some of these are classified as positive and others as negative.

Unfortunately, emotional reactions to situations often take a negative form. Some negative responses include shaming, blaming, embarrassing, judging, discrediting or dividing. Some people, however, manage to respond more positively to external stimuli, experiencing emotions such as love, pleasure, happiness, pride and excitement.

There are many schools of thought and models on emotional intelligence and emotion management, one of which is the Branch Model of emotional intelligence. This model describes four key areas or branches as critical to more effective control and direction of emotions. The model takes the form of a progression, with each new stage asking its user to assess his/her competence.

Perceiving emotions

The initial, most basic phase has to do with the non-verbal reception and expression of emotion. The capacity to accurately perceive emotions in the face, voice, movement or expression of others provides a crucial starting point for a more advanced understanding of emotions.

The flipside of this is consciousness of how you express your own emotions. To become better at expressing your emotions, you need to make sure that you actually are expressing them - and clearly. Are you aware of it when you are happy and when you are sad (etc.), and do others recognise that this is the case?

Try to identify the underlying emotions governing your own and others' responses to circumstances and other people. This should enable you to start looking beyond the emotions to the underlying issues. The more you practise this skill, the better you will become at empathising with others and not mistaking individuals for the emotions they express.

Soon, you will be ready to pass into the second phase of the Branch Model.

Using emotions to facilitate thought

When your emotions determine your responses, you are allowing your feelings to govern your thoughts instead of the other way around. Mood swings, impulsive behaviour and emotional outbursts are some of the signs that your emotions and not your mind are determining your behaviour. But when your mind is in control, you are in control.

This is not to say that emotionally strong and mature people have no feelings. It simply means that they regulate those feelings with their thoughts, making their emotions assets instead of liabilities.

To understand where an emotion comes from is to be able to make it stronger or weaker and to invoke it at will. Going deeper into the emotion unlocks new thinking and new possibilities. By focusing on the emotion and separating it from the underlying cause, you may be able to direct it more effectively and start honing your responses.

Understanding emotions

The emotions you feel convey valuable information about your present state of mind. You would do well, when you perceive a particular emotion within yourself, to try to identify its origin. You tend to feel happy when things are going your way. Anger generally comes about when you feel wronged. Fear arises when a potentially unpleasant or painful future situation is identified.

When you express these emotions, you are communicating your state of mind to the people around you. By the same token, you can draw certain conclusions based on the emotions expressed by others. Optimism, for example, is an indication that a person has not given up on the potential for circumstances to improve, they have hope. Familiarising yourself with the actions associated with those emotions is of great value. Aggressive behaviour, for example, communicates anger or fear. When people behave aggressively, those around them will respond to the underlying emotions that they associate with this behaviour, possibly fleeing to avoid danger or becoming aggressive themselves. This is why it is important for you to be aware of the social codes embedded in our behaviour - if you want people to know how you feel, and not misinterpret you - make sure that you behave accordingly.

Aside from this, it is important to remember that you can choose how to behave when you feel a particular emotion. When you feel angry, you have several options: make peace, attack, seek retribution or revenge, withdraw, etc. Just know that how you choose to behave will influence how others respond to you. What do you want your behaviour to achieve? Being angry may not be good or bad - it is just being. By being present in a situation and being able to distance yourself from your anger, you can control the situation and not be under the power of your emotion.

Here's another example. Let's say that, when you feel threatened, you usually seek empathy from the other person and expose your weaknesses. What if you start reacting differently by asserting yourself, challenging the other person or bringing facts to bear on the situation? Each of these responses is different from your usual response and will have a different outcome.

Fully understanding emotions involves the comprehension of the meaning of emotions, coupled with the capacity to interpret those meanings from an objective standpoint, thereby allowing one to choose the actions that would bring about the most desirable outcome.

Managing emotions

It has already been established that emotions can be managed and directed. If you understand the information that emotions convey, you can use this knowledge to communicate your emotion more effectively. One should, to the extent that it is under one's control, remain open to emotional signals. However, because excessive exposure to emotion can be painful and overwhelming, one should always try to remain at an objective distance from it.

Establish your emotional comfort zone and avoid venturing outside of it. As long as you do this, you will be able to regulate and manage your own (and even others') emotions, thereby promoting both personal and collective social goals. What you do to regulate your emotion - whether you simply accept, but ignore it, or fully embrace and amplify it - will depend on the situation and your skill at identifying the ideal response.

Research shows that, within three to seven minutes of a conversation starting, all the participants have already subconsciously absorbed each other's emotional states and have started acting on an emotional level. A cycle of actions and reactions is then set in motion. People respond to each other's responses. This means that, if you remain calm, it is far more likely that others will remain calm just by being in your presence.

Conclusion

Although it is fact that life will always constantly be in flux, there is no reason for anybody to be completely at the mercy of this inherent unpredictably. It is not the change in life that threatens our survival but rather the emotion that it inevitably triggers.

Understanding and being more aware of how emotions work allows us to channel our impulses and make our behaviour work for us.

When you start gearing your emotions to positive outcomes, you will set off a sequence of positive reactions and events, the benefits of which will surpass your greatest expectations.
- Regenesys

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